Surprised! (or not)
Right, you’re not alone. We were just as surprised that our days in Auckland ended too soon. Or should I say it ended before it even began?
Dealing with what’s happening in the past couple of weeks have been quite a struggle, emotionally mostly. It felt like I was going through a break-up with the country I really adored (I still feel like crying when I remember it). I found myself feeling so many emotions at once, trying to answer endless questions, and repeating the words “it’s not you, it’s me” in my head. But in reality, it’s the other way around.
It isn’t easy to change plans when your mind is already set to something. For a moment, I perceived that God didn’t feel for us. That God is up there, moving around our lives without thinking how much we’re struggling down here. But He changed the inner workings of my heart with this – “Jesus wept.”[John 11:35, an excerpt from when Lazarus died]
Two simple words that remind me that He isn’t looking down on us with disregard. He is moved by our hurt. He never misses anything. He knows when something bothers us. He knows when we’re all tired and alone. He knows when we’re yearning for someone to talk to. And He cares enough to push us into a mess. Not to punish or destroy, but to give us the avenue to grow, to prepare us for a greater blessing and to offer us the time to pause.
It’s amazing how God places a period in our lives where it is needed – to mean an end or closure, but mostly protection for what’s to come. At times, God will surprise us with an exclamation point, sometimes in multiples, to remind us of how exciting life can be. God also sets question marks – big questions that don’t have answers and situations that don’t make sense. It shakes us up and break us down, but all the more reason why we need to lean on Him. But usually, I find commas – a temporary pause… to enable us to reflect and make better life choices.
It’s been more than two weeks since we got here in Melbourne and I feel like I’m in a sea of commas… waiting and starting again, holding on to both excitement and uncertainty, feeling well-rested and at peace. And that’s all that matters now.
One day, I’ll explain the details that led us to the decision. But for the time being, I’d say that the reason to leave had simply become obvious. God’s ways are greater than mine. I cannot understand Him all the time (I don’t have to), yet I know only He can set my heart back to where it needs to be. And the safest place to be is to trust the One who holds it all.